Category Archives: Love

The Necessary Lesson.

Recently, I learned that with as much as I think I know about love, it is still only a raindrop in an ocean.  I am still learning, and growing, and sometimes, I fall short.  Those are the times when my foundation literally shakes.  It is because the reality of my misunderstanding, my mistakes, are staring me in the face, and I have to take responsibility for my misinterpretations.  And I have to be not only prepared to take the consequences to come as a result of my ignorance; I have to accept those consequences as an inevitable lesson I needed to learn, in order to expand my understanding.  Sometimes my errors in judgement, and my selfish, ego-driven behavior, and actions have caused me to suffer excessive loss. 

Tonight I am taking responsibility for hurting someone I truly love.  I may be faced with the absence of his presence in my life, simply because I lost sight of some very important things, and allowed my ego to take a place at my table.  I truly do understand his position, and I understand my role in placing him in this position.  Although I thought very little of what I was doing, I found that what I truly thought very little of was “how he felt”.  I was more concerned with how I was feeling. 

I have accepted responsibility for possibly drawing the blue print for my relationships destruction, I am aware of this being a possibility as a result of my actions.  All of the excuses I used to condone my behavior, were simply that….excuses to satiate my need to feel important, loved, wanted.  Instead of looking at him as a person with his own unique ways of showing his love, I insisted that he show me in ways that are unique to my way of loving.  I lost sight of the fact that his way of showing love, and mines are as different as he and I. And that those differences are not actually differences, but complementarity in action.  His ways, and my ways compliment each others.  That is why we formed a bond in the first place.  That natural feeling of ‘One-ness”.   

I’ve come to see over the last couple of days, that when he and I are in our natural state of being, we complement one another; when we are in our negative state of being, we mirror one another.  Some of the same things I complain about in regards to him, are also in me too.  And that if I want him to be accountable for his actions at all times, then I too must be accountable for mines.

This was the hardest way for me to learn to dig deeper and to investigate what it means to love, and how to allow myself to be loved.  And if it’s to be over, then I am appreciative of the knowledge I’ve gained, and the understanding I’ve come to concerning myself.  He is the only person that could’ve mirrored me, in the way that made  me look at my self.  I am thankful for that.  

I honestly don’t know where, or when the vision got muddy.  I don’t really believe that is important.  What I do believe is that I enjoy his company in my life, I enjoy that he likes mines in his, and I believe my perspective is clear.  I love that we are yin-yang in the physical, opposite, but equal, together forming a ‘whole’.    I believe I know what it means to be in love with someone not bound by blood.  I believe….  The person that helps you see that, the person who you learn to love with….is truly a special person.

Steps To Self-Love.

Someone once said that everything we do in life is either to get love or to compensate for the lack of love.  I believe this to be true.  Through some heart rendering, turn-your-world-upside-down, shifts in my thinking, I have come to understand that I have spent my entire  life in the pursuit of love, because I felt like I had a lack of it.  I think this holds true for most people.

 The majority of us aren’t ready to admit to ourselves  how unloved we really feel, nor do we want the world to see the lengths we go to, or the depths we will sink to get it because, of our perceived lack of it.   In the immortal words of Bernie Mac “I’m going to say the things that you all want to say, but feel like you can’t”.

  Ninety percent of the choices I made, were motivated by my feelings of being unloved & unwanted.   Most of my actions were geared towards gaining and maintaining a feeling of worthiness, validation, acceptance, feeling needed, ultimately, feeling loved.

Because of what I thought was a lack of love, I felt as if I couldn’t be loved, I felt unloveable.  When it came to romantic relationships, I made loving me very hard.  I would become very guarded.  I would only let you in just a little.  I figured if I didn’t let you in, when the reality of my unloveableness showed itself,  then it wouldn’t hurt so bad when you walked away.  So when someone started getting close to me, I would become distant, and very non-chalant about the relationship.  I thought that Katy Perry wrote her “Hot then you’re cold” song exclusively about me.  That was my way of  warding off the validation of my worst fear: that there was in FACT, something about me that did not warrant love, or being loved.

  After some serious soul searching I came up with what could for me, be the only reason that my vision of love wasn’t being fulfilled.  If all of the things I had been doing, and saying weren’t yielding the expected results, then what really was the problem?  

 I soon found out that I wasn’t loving myself, and that was where the problem originated.  That is where the majority of our issues stem from.  I can say it now without the shudders, and shivers that just the thought used to bring, because I have learned a few things about myself, and love.

In order to even begin to understand this love thing.  I decided to give myself a Clean ‘Love’ Slate.  I asked myself what would a person who has never been hurt in  love before be like? One who never knew the lonely feelings of thinking they are in some way, not capable of creating the bonding feelings of love from another.  How would they act?  How did I think I would be if I felt loved?  What did I believe about love?

How does one begin the process of learning to love themselves, when the guage of their capacity to be loveable, has always come from others making them feel worthy to be loved? 

I do things most effectively if I make a check list, or write a note.  So, for myself, I made a list : “The Love’s Clean Slate List”.  

1.) YOU WILL LIVE AS IF YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN HURT BY LOVE, OR THE LACK THEREOF BEFORE!  It’s a clean slate after all, right?  

 2). If you have ever believed that there was a person alive capable of being loved, then know that YOU TOO ARE LOVEABLE.  No need to look for further validation from anyone else if I already know that I am capable of being loved, and that there are things about me that are so totally loveable. Instead of focusing on being those things that I thought would garner me the love I so desperately craved; I would find things about me that I found loveable. 

3). BE WHAT YOU REQUIRE.  It is simple as this.  Decide that if your idea of love is having total acceptance, then BE total acceptance. But be accepting of yourself first.   If your definition of love is being compassionate, or understanding, or unconditional, then  make sure these are things that you show others, after you have learned how to show them to yourself.  If you want others to handle your heart gently, then make sure you treat theirs with as much care.  And treat your own with the same care as well.

In doing the 3 things on my LCSL, my life began to transform in miraculous ways.  In loving like I have never been hurt before, it made me not hold on to past hurts. I honestly began forgiving those whom I thought held responsibility for the way I perceived, and experienced love.  Letting go allowed me to see that they never had responsibility in the first place.  I had placed the burden of proving me loveable to myself, onto others.  We are afraid to love, afraid of love, and afraid that we are indeed unloveable, because of past hurts, and disappointments.  In order to ‘clean your slate’, you HAVE to let go, and begin to love like you have never been hurt.

Number 2 on my list, revealed to me, that I am loveable.  If you have ever believed that there is something out there, and that others have it, you have to believe that it is out there for you too.  There is really nothing that makes us different from any other person.  The only thing that holds you back is your lack of faith in yourself in some way. 

I had spent my entire life basing my self-worth, and my ability to be loveable, on the impressions I received from those around me.  One day I asked myself, “if these are the same people, situations, that I felt caused me to feel, think,& act, like I was unloveable; why would I base my definition of love on these things?”  I decided to get to know the things about me that I loved.  In discovering loveable things about myself, I became what I required.  It is a little easier to extend the things I’ve wanted to have extended to me, because I give them to myself first.

I am absolutely in love with myself, and not in a conceited, or egotistical way.  I love being alive, being here to experience this journey.  Grateful that the Creator endowed us with so much internal beauty, and love. I am joyous even during adversity, because I know that through it all when I have nothing more, I will have my self-love, which allows me to be and do, and experience this world in the most fundamental way: Connected.   Self-love is the key to connecting with anything you wish to connect to in your life.

The Misguided Misadventures Of Our Quest for Love.

The Misguided Misadventures Of Our Quest for Love..

Madly In Love

For the first time in my life, I am in love!!!!  I just want to tell you, that no matter what has gone on in my life you have always been there for me, been supportive of me(even when I wasnt being good to myself).  You have been a constant friend, a consummate lover, and all things in between.  The beauty I see in you goes far more than skin deep, it traverses the soul.  You are a kind, caring, intelligent, funny,  person.  You are generous, open-minded, free-spirited, and free-thinking.  I love that every time I think I truly know you, you expose another surprising layer of your personality and spirit.  I am in love with your sense of humor, the way you look at the world, and your quirky mannerisms that signify your unique outlook on life.  I love that you give others chances to make their own mistakes without judging them.  I am in awe of your ability to forgive others, while seeing a bit of yourself in them as well.  I think you are wonderful!!!  The amount of care you put into loving yourself and others is inspiring.  I love the way you admit your faults and learn from them and grow past them.  Your concern for others is astonishing.  your sense of fairness and justice is amazing.  I am in love with you.  I love that you are a nurturing, fair, loving, and respectful parent.  You are the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  You are the center of my world, and I have fallen madly in love with you and all you have to offer to the world! You are a magnificent creation of The Source, and I feel Source’s love all around you when I am in your presence.  I will be there for you in any and all situations, helping you to grow and blossom into the best you , that you can be.  I will never forsake you.  I will always look out for you and your best interest.  I will gently encourage you as you develop on your spiritual journey.  I promise to love , honor, and respect you at all times. 

I am in love!  And the person I am in love with…is staring back at me through the mirror. 

We say all of these things to others, in our quest to have love in our lives.  How often do we take the time to say those things to ourselves.  A person will never truly experience love until they learn how to be all of the things they want in their lives, to themselves.

Develop and nurture love for yourself.  Take pleasure in loving you.

The Misguided Misadventures Of Our Quest for Love.

What is the one thing that we never stop wanting?  In our entire lives, we will go through, and do a many varied things in our pursuit of it.  It rules our lives.  What is it? 

Love. It’s just that simple.

What’s not simple is how we’ve come to be so misguided about love, and its true nature.  We take love for granted only because we all have learned that love can be used as a bargaining chip.  Our culture teaches us that love is a ‘thing’.  

While growing up we inadvertently become victims of conditioning.  We are taught by the behaviors of others around us how to respond to circumstances and situations in our lives.  We are taught how to feel about everything, and that includes ourselves.  Unfortunately, our view about, and response to love, is also taught as well.   As we grew up we saw behavior that said ” I love you when you do something good”, but “I disapprove of you when you do something bad”.   We learned that as long as we were cooperative, and obedient, we would receive the praise and attention, the validation that we needed to assure ourselves that we were approved of.  That people would treat us in kind manners. We felt….loved.  It feels wonderful, to be loved.  It nourishes something so deep inside of us. With it we feel superhuman, without it we can’t survive. 

But, what happens when we aren’t cooperative or obedient?

Did the responses of others around us make us feel loved? Probably not.  Instead of praises, or feelings of validation, we get sharp tones that cut with what appears to be disappointment, discontent, non-approval.  And just as the behaviors of others told us we were loved, the opposite is true. That non-approval made us believe we were not loved.  This is the basis for why we begin to try to bargain with love. 

We have done so many things under the name of love. Some great, most not. That is a sad reality, but it is reality nonetheless. 

Love is not a tool for us to use.  It is not some ‘thing’ that we can get from seeking approval from others.  Our biggest misunderstanding stems from us thinking that our validation, our sense of self-worth,  and our sense  of “The Reason That I Am” is a thing  that solely relies on outside forces.  Because of how we’ve been allowed to view love, we mistakenly believe that love carries conditions.

We attach degrees of separation to love…” I love you more than anything in the whole world”, “I love you more than others because you are my family”, or ” I only love you most when you are doing what pleases me”.  There is no such thing as more with love.  Love  is not something to be measured out in rations.  It JUST IS.  There can never be more, or less of it.  Our own perceptions based upon our faulty egos, are what give it a skewed meaning.  Simply stated, love with conditions isn’t true love…it is emotional blackmail.   We can never be fulfilled by something we have to bargain, barter, scheme, or manipulate to acquire.

The majority of us spend our entire lives seeking love and doing things along the way trying to fill the void that our perceived ‘lack of love’ creates.  We try to bridge that gap with the imitation love, but this only leads to a life filled with confusion, and frustration, with only a few instances of a real sense of ‘real love’ in between.  In order for us to truly experience love, we have to re-define what love. 

Love IS Unconditional….a way of being.   Unconditional love requires by its very nature, that you don’t expect anything directly in return for giving it to others. 

So long as we believe that we can find love in possessions, destinations, or the  people in our lives, we are destined to not know real love.  What we desire most: happiness, abundance, joy, and unconditional love and acceptance, originate with us falling in love with ourselves first. 

  If over the course of your life you have felt alienated, unsure of your own self-worth, unloved, or unlovable….know this…..You were always valuable, and worthy simply because you are here ,  and you have never needed to be loved from the outside in, but from the inside out.  All that you have needed was to know that YOU ARE LOVE.

The past experiences that helped to shape our ideas of love are something that we can’t change, yet so many of us hold on to these false beliefs and allow them to strip the color out of our present world.  This doesn’t have to be so. Let go of conventional, and conditioned thinking.  Obviously it’s not working well for us, in that we keep seeking and destroying ourselves, and ultimately other people as well in our quest for that which we want most.

 Unconditional means without limitations or boundaries. It is non-judgemental, forgiving, understanding, compassionate, and genuine in its regard for the health, welfare, and well-being of others.  Unconditional means that you will allow room for another’s personal growth by not hindering them, and that you are grateful for the part you play on the stage of their lives. 

It starts with us giving all of these things to ourselves first.  We can not give that which we do  not have, and do we ever truly HAVE anything if we can’t understand it’s essence and its function?   Love yourself for the person that you are, right now. Love yourself without any limitations or boundaries.   Any perceived flaws you have of yourself, right now at this very moment, accept them all.  Say to yourself that you will love you unconditionally. Forgive yourself for any shortcomings you see.  Be thankful to yourself for allowing YOU to play the major part on the stage that is YOUR life.  Fall in love with you.  Know that “The Reason That You Are” is Because You Are, and make that all of the validation you need. 

 Because it is.

The Face Of Unconditional Love.

How many of us can give an adequate definition of love?  Not many probably.  What we do know is that love is an emotion we can’t fully explain.  But Love is  more than an emotion.  It is as necessary to our survival as our air, our food, our water, and our shelter. It has been scientifically proven that we wither mentally, physically, and emotionally, without the presence of love in our lives.  We do so many things in our quest to be loved, to find love, and to keep love, most of the time to our detriment.  We even go to the extreme of rejecting love, simply because we are afraid of being rejected and  of losing  love.  We think about Love, our concept of Love the way we do simply because we have not discovered the one thing about love that is fundamental to loving.  Because of our ignorance we’ve done the wrong things in our pursuit of love.  Most people would agree that not causing harm to someone is a basic building block in the foundation of love.  But, each and every one of us has done a thing in the name of, or for the sake of love, and our action has hurt someone we claimed to love.   We pursue so hard because we believe that love will fulfill all of our needs, and meet all of our expectations, and the truth is that….IT WILL.  But you will only receive the nourishment of love when you come to two realizations.   1). YOU are LOVE.  2) Love is not a ‘thing’ you pursue, not a thing you run away from, not a thing you fear. It is a way of being. IT IS YOUR BEING!  

Think about this for a moment… Whether you believe that a Creator placed you here, or if you believe that we are here by a random fluke, the fact is that We all have basic needs that have to be met in order to survive.  We were born on a planet that gives us everything we need to survive.  And, there are a variety of resources here to aid us in our survival.  In order to stay alive we need 4 basic things: air, water,food,and shelter.  A continuous lack of any of those things will cause us to perish.  Again, it has been proven that a continuous lack of love will have the same effect.  We eat the food that is provided when we are hungry, we drink the water that is provided when we are thirsty, we breathe the air, we have shelter from the elements….but what is love for? Why do we have the capability to love and at the same time, the need to have it returned to us?  Perhaps we are a part of that which has been provided here.  Maybe we each are supposed to love (in the proper way )as a necessity of our survival.

Love in it’s purest form

All too often we say we love without an understanding of what love truly means.  What loving truly entails.  Too many of us have taken love and it’s significance in our lives, for granted.  When you say you love someone, what do you mean?  We throw the term around so loosely, that it’s lost some of its magical charm.  We use love to describe a multitude of things from our individual preferences, to material things, to others attitudes.  “I love that car, I love cheeseburgers, I love that you always have a smile on your face”.  Because we have trivialized the sheer magnitude of love, we don’t get that which we all want most.  To be loved.   Love means validation to us, and so most of us use it as a weapon. It has become a form of emotional blackmail.  True love is unconditional.  It knows no boundaries.  I believe that pure love starts with us loving ourselves first.  When you truly love yourself, you find yourself surrounded by love.  True loving attracts the same.  Look at yourself in the mirror everyday and tell you, just how amazing you really are, and just how much you love yourself.  The second phase of true love comes from you loving others as much as you love yourself.  To recognize that you can not give or receive that which you do not have to give away.  Give love to your fellow brothers and sisters.   Show kindness, empathy, compassion, and understanding to your fellow man.  See them as you would see yourself, because in essence, we are ALL one another.  The purest form of loving comes from an understanding that everything is connected to a Divine Purpose, and love the creator with all of your heart and spirit.  Be thankful and in-love with the fact that you are here to experience anything at all.  It doesn’t matter if your idea of a Creator is Buddhist, Christian, Hindu, or Islamic.  We may call the Creator by different names, but I believe there is only one.  It doesn’t matter if you take the stairs and I take the elevator, the point is to go up right?  If you follow these steps in finding love, I have no doubt that it will surround you.  Wishing you love, joy, peace, and happiness.

Re-evaluating what is most important

Me and My Dad 🙂

 I am currently in the very sad process of watching someone I love die.  He is not like in the hospital or anything but , none-theless I am listening to doctors say that with out a major surgery the prognosis is grim.  I am being the very best friend that I know how to be, and I am listening to him evaluate the life he has lived.   In doing this, I have started reviewing the kind of life that I have lived.   How much time I have wasted on pretending to be the type of person I say I am.  Why have I been a poser? for whom was I posing?  was it others, or myself?  If I was on my last breath, would my last thought be…..”have I lived this life right”?  I would have to say that my answer would be a resounding “NO”!  There have been times when I have been less than kind to others, times when I have lied (even if I only considered it a white lie), there are times when I have been all of the things I hate.  The reasons  behind  these less than desirable characteristics are varied, but it mainly boils down to this….I didn’t understand that in order to survive this journey, I would have to be ME.  Not the me that says yes when I really mean no.  Not the me who lies to save my own ass.  Not the me who manipulated situations and people to do my bidding.  Not the me who has lived oh so selfishly for the last 38 years.  In order for me to be satisfied at the end of my journey with the roads I have traveled, I must live it authentically.  I ham finding out that in order to be satisfied with my life, I have to do things in my life that have meaning, that serve a purpose.  Not for myself but for the world. I am finding that in order for me to feel as if this miraculous thing called life is not wasted, I MUST BE WHO I AM.  Who am I?  I am Lisa Lynnette Wilcoxon born September 5, 1972  @ 11:25 p.m., to Wanda and Leonard Wilcoxon.  A freakishly intelligent child who learned to read at the age of 3.  Been reading and increasing my vocabulary since then.  I have always been a sensitive soul…easily hurt, but very very empathetic towards the plight of others.  I have always been very spiritual, and believed that  it didn’t matter if you prayed to Buddha, Jesus, or Allah, jusst that you prayed.  I have always fought for those who would not or could not fight for themselves, because I am a consumate caretaker! That is the part of me touched directly by God….My heart.  I cry at feel good movies, I love babies of any species because babies are the hope for the future, and I feel as if animals have souls and spirits and they love and worry about their offspring just as we do.  I am amzed by rainbows, and stars, and the blue sky, and the oceans and lakes, and the trees, and mountain ranges, and jungles.  I am inspired by the planet I live on, and I believe that everything and everyone here is interconnected.  I truly feel in the pit of my soul, that what happens to another happens to me in the sense that we are all a connected, extended family.  I get defensive quite often because I am soooo sensitive, but that is something I am working on.  I can be a perfectionist and I like people that do what they say and say what they mean.  sometimes I hold people to my expectations of what I think they should be, what I think they should say, and how I think they should act.  In other words….I can be EXTREMELY pushy sometimes ( another thing I am working on). At times I have been cold towards those whom I love, and have even used my love as a weapon.  Upon reflection, I even see how I have pushed the boundaries of others love by testing the limits of that love.  I have come to the conclusion, that I like everyone else had a misunderstanding of what love really entailed.  It is not about being selfish, and it is not about what the feelings of love do for you.  Love is about the connection between our hearts and the heart of God, or in my viewpoint, Goddess.  I have suffered from paralyzing fear for the majority of my life.  Fear of not being good enough to some imagined standard.  Fear of losing what little love I thought I had.  Fear of my own intelligence.  Fear of the motives of other people.  Fear of succeeding, fear of failing.  Hell, I was afraid of fear itself lol. I have been a victim of my past on so many levels.  Some of the things I have done over the last couple of years have been based on events, and perceptions of those events from my childhood.  How sad that so many of us live all of our tomorrows based upon the happenings of yesterday.  I have a strong work ethic, and I believe that anything worth doing is worth doing well and to the best of your abilities.  I am determined and focused and I believe that there is so much out here to learn about and that we limit ourselves by not taking an interest in those things.  I think we are all citizens of the world and not just the nation we have ties to.  I believe that we should help one another, uplift one another, and be there for one another, because we all go through  the same things in life.  I have also most recently discovered that I am not the only poser I know.  LOL….Who I am is the same as who you are.  A spiritual being inside of a fragile body, with a broken soul.  I am an aspect of you at some point and you reflect an aspect of me at certain points.  I am losing my best friend.  Although my heart is heavy,  I will not live in my grief.  Watching one you love die, makes yo ufocus on what is important to you in your life.  I sat back and I reviewed my life with my father.  I have come to realize that a gi-normous chunk of who I am is firmly rooted in who he is.  My work ethic stems from listening to ” if you shoveling shit in a yard, or taking an elevator to the boardroom, you should always put your best foot forward”.  This man taught me how to look at the world in a non-objective, non-biased way.  He told me to figure out for myself what makes people tick, and in doing so taught me how to see what makes me tick as well.  He showed me personally on so many levels, the power of the human mind.  From him surviving massive heart attack, after heart attack, a stroke, debilitating high blood pressure, surviving the death of his best friend ( RIP MOM), AND CURRENTLY FIGHTING CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE, AND CORANARY ARTERY DISEASE…he has shown me that when you love what you have been given, you can fight anything. Tell your body to heal itself and  your body will follow. By being who he is, he has shown me the type of man I should allow into my life.  My expectations from myself,  are a result of his high expectations from himself.  I am watching my best friend die.  And in losing him, I am finding me, and DISCOVERING WHO  MY FATHER WAS AND STILL IS. i HAVE ALSO LEARNED THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON OF THEM ALL.  tHE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WHO LOVE YOU NEVER TRULY LEAVE YOU.  iF SOMEONE LOVES YOU, THEY HAVE CHANGED YOU FOREVER, AND YOU WILL ALWAYS CARRY THEM WITH YOU.  i HAVE DECIDED THAT WHEN  MY TIME COMES, I WILL BE ABLE TO SAY THAT I HAVE TRULY LIVED, BECAUSE I AM MAKING THE DECISION TODAY TO MAKE THE NECESSARY CCHANGES IN MY LIFE SO THAT I CAN BE WHO I gODDESS TRULY DESIGNED ME TO BE.  tHAT CONSUMATE CAREGIVER.  Only this time around, I will not only talk the talk, but will walk in the footsteps of the creator…with unbounded joy, and unconditional love.