Recently, I learned that with as much as I think I know about love, it is still only a raindrop in an ocean. I am still learning, and growing, and sometimes, I fall short. Those are the times when my foundation literally shakes. It is because the reality of my misunderstanding, my mistakes, are staring me in the face, and I have to take responsibility for my misinterpretations. And I have to be not only prepared to take the consequences to come as a result of my ignorance; I have to accept those consequences as an inevitable lesson I needed to learn, in order to expand my understanding. Sometimes my errors in judgement, and my selfish, ego-driven behavior, and actions have caused me to suffer excessive loss.
Tonight I am taking responsibility for hurting someone I truly love. I may be faced with the absence of his presence in my life, simply because I lost sight of some very important things, and allowed my ego to take a place at my table. I truly do understand his position, and I understand my role in placing him in this position. Although I thought very little of what I was doing, I found that what I truly thought very little of was “how he felt”. I was more concerned with how I was feeling.
I have accepted responsibility for possibly drawing the blue print for my relationships destruction, I am aware of this being a possibility as a result of my actions. All of the excuses I used to condone my behavior, were simply that….excuses to satiate my need to feel important, loved, wanted. Instead of looking at him as a person with his own unique ways of showing his love, I insisted that he show me in ways that are unique to my way of loving. I lost sight of the fact that his way of showing love, and mines are as different as he and I. And that those differences are not actually differences, but complementarity in action. His ways, and my ways compliment each others. That is why we formed a bond in the first place. That natural feeling of ‘One-ness”.
I’ve come to see over the last couple of days, that when he and I are in our natural state of being, we complement one another; when we are in our negative state of being, we mirror one another. Some of the same things I complain about in regards to him, are also in me too. And that if I want him to be accountable for his actions at all times, then I too must be accountable for mines.
This was the hardest way for me to learn to dig deeper and to investigate what it means to love, and how to allow myself to be loved. And if it’s to be over, then I am appreciative of the knowledge I’ve gained, and the understanding I’ve come to concerning myself. He is the only person that could’ve mirrored me, in the way that made me look at my self. I am thankful for that.
I honestly don’t know where, or when the vision got muddy. I don’t really believe that is important. What I do believe is that I enjoy his company in my life, I enjoy that he likes mines in his, and I believe my perspective is clear. I love that we are yin-yang in the physical, opposite, but equal, together forming a ‘whole’. I believe I know what it means to be in love with someone not bound by blood. I believe…. The person that helps you see that, the person who you learn to love with….is truly a special person.